The Key to Thriving, Not Just Surviving: Get Lower

My Foreshadow

A very special priest, Fr. Rob, shared a dream with me that would end up changing my life. He said, paraphrased: I had a dream where I saw Jesus and was immediately filled with joy and a desire to go to Him. I moved a little toward Jesus, but then my legs stopped. When I tried to move closer, I couldn’t. I asked Him, “I want to get closer to You, Jesus, but I’m stuck; how can I get closer?” Jesus said, “Get lower.” So, I went to my knees and made some progress, but then again came to a halt. “Jesus, how can I get closer?” He said again, “Get lower.” Finally, I was prostrate on the ground and couldn’t move any closer and in exhausted frustration I asked, “Jesus, how can I get closer?” He smiled knowingly and said again, “Get lower.”

My Fortune

My journey is less about my physical health and more about my inner and spiritual healing. Before I met Jackie, Traci, and Reform Wellness, I thought I was fine. This was before God decided to drop the hammer (multiple hammers, actually), and thus created my path to Reform Wellness. I grew up in a very close Catholic family, went to Catholic schools all the way through college, went to church every Sunday, said the Rosary almost every day, went to Confession (when I felt the bag was full). I exercised, played sports, and felt I was in good shape, both physically and spiritually. Did my conscience bother me on some occasions? Absolutely—but as long as I was a bit more religious than the next guy, I was safe. I was married to a beautiful, wonderful woman, had four insanely amazing kids, a solid Wall Street job, a big house, a beach house. I would always say that we didn’t live above our means, but our means were substantial, and hence the roots of pride started to take hold. Realizing how fortunate I was, I was thankful and manifested that gratitude in giving financially and trying to be a good husband and father...but God was calling me to a deeper closeness. I kept my distance, doing what I needed to do to get into heaven and then having fun guilt-free. When I crossed the line, which was often, I would go to Confession and start anew (what a grace Confession is—God’s gift of a clean slate always boggled my mind). I had everything; I was blessed; I had it all figured out; I was the man.

My Fall

In 2015, the wheels came off. My marriage fell apart, my drinking became worse, we sold the beach house, we sold the house where we brought up our kids, we split time with the kids, and I crashed. They say that in times of stress you shouldn’t make any major life decisions. Well, at the most stressful time in my life, I made what could be considered the mother of all major life decisions: I walked away from my Wall Street job. I felt I couldn’t handle everything that was being thrown upon me, so I had to control the situation and make something happen. 10 days later, I woke up at 1:30 AM in the throes of the worst anxiety I have ever felt. I had created a situation with what seemed like no escape. I thought I knew what anxiety and depression was, but I wasn’t even close, and totally unprepared. The routine was the same: wake up at 2–3 AM, recall where I was in life, start to shake, break out into a sweat, drench my sheets, get up and go straight to my knees, force myself to start the day, pace the kitchen floor for hours, call my parents 2-3 times a day, all while hiding it from the kids when they were with me. I struggled every single day to just get to early afternoon, when I would feel some relief with the thought that I had made it through another day. Fear would come back as sleep approached, and the process began all over again. This lasted for 57 straight days, my own mini Dark Night of the Soul. I lost 15-20 pounds and was lighter than I was when I graduated from college. I was having very unhealthy thoughts and trying to figure out how to act on them. I went on medication, which I would never do previously, because I was a guy and I could get through anything, I was strong (and full of pride). On the 58th day, a Tuesday morning before Christmas in 2017, God lifted the anxiety and depression from me. It was the best Christmas gift I had ever received. I remember waking up that morning and saying, “OK, here it comes, get up, thank God for the suffering, pray for someone, ask Him to take this from me, but Thy Will be done, Lord.” When the feeling didn’t come back, I was brought to tears. I learned that beyond a shadow of a doubt, I never was, nor ever will be in control of my life, it’ll always be in God’s hands: get lower.

My Fiat

When God does a work in your life, it’s like a potter having his way with the clay. He pokes, prods, pulls, takes some off, adds some back, reshapes, and reforms something beautiful, but he’s not done. After the clay is re-formed into what the potter wants it to be, he puts it in the refiner’s fire to bring out any impurities. So when you think it’s over, it’s not. After the Christmas season, early 2018, I felt I was a shell of who I was, and still with no direction. My only thought was to wake up every morning and thank God for another day anxiety- and depression-free (in the hopes I would not have a round 2). I was invited by a friend to The Center of Divine Mercy in Newark, NJ to see someone named Brother Paul, who was having a healing mass on Divine Mercy Sunday. My friend told me he wasn’t able to make it, but maybe I could meet someone at church. This is something I would have passed on years previously, but I was still coming out of something painful and looking for guidance, so I said yes, my Fiat. I was early that morning and being the first one on the bus, was just keeping to myself and letting God do what He wanted to do. I was saying hi to people as they walked by, but not making too much eye contact so as to not seem like I was inviting anyone to sit with me. Jackie walked onto the bus with her close friend Lorie (who I can now call my friend as well), they said hi and sat across and one row in front of me. Jackie introduced herself and then asked who I knew on the trip. I said I was solo, and without hesitation she said, “You’re with us.” If I began to tell you the blessings that came out of me saying yes to the bus trip and Jackie saying yes to God to take me under her wing that day, I could write a book (or another very long testimonial). The day ended with Jackie inviting me on a trip to Medjugorje that August, a trip where I would room with Fr. Rob and my life would be changed. It was at Medjugorje where I learned not only what it means, but also what it takes to Get Lower.

My reForm

Medjugorje and the blessings that were given to me in the months that followed (more consistent Confession, Daily Mass, Eucharistic Adoration, Rosary, and a deeper, more personal prayer life), brought me closer to Mary, closer to Jesus, and gave me a desire to do His will, but I was still all over the place. We speak of an Illumination of Conscience that is coming, I feel Medjugorje began the process for me. I realized I was full of pride, and a man of extremes (I was still not low enough). Whether it was in relation to drinking, eating, exercising, sleeping, working, praying, you name it – the word moderation was not in my vocabulary. It was either 100 mph or a complete stop, drink everything in the bar, or never drink again, run a marathon, or hang up the running shoes, get 5 hours of sleep during the week, or 12 on weekends, the list goes on. I was also still slipping in and out of anxiety, but nothing like I had experienced in 2017. I went to a one day Reform Retreat in the city to support Jackie, because that’s what friends do, but not taking the program seriously (I didn’t really even know what it entailed). Taking everything in and processing what I could was easy, until she said, “The thing that you crave the most is the thing that has the most control over you and needs to be discarded.” I remember saying if she makes me give up my coffee (my 10 cups plus I drink every day), I’m walking…”. It wasn’t until Jackie started to speak about gut health that I felt a pull toward the program. Jackie said that our gut is responsible for producing the hormones necessary to combat anxiety and depression and if we don’t take care of that, we will never feel the way God made us to feel – open mouth, insert hook. Don’t fight it Tim, go with it, Get Lower.

My Freedom

Reform has absolutely, unequivocally, and without a doubt, CHANGED MY LIFE. I went from eating and drinking anything and everything I wanted, to no dairy, no gluten, no sugar, and just one cup of coffee per day (still hard to actually say). I learned that sacrifice and fasting can be a prayerful endeavor. I didn’t need to lose any weight, in reality I needed to gain some, but the right way. I lost fat, gained muscle, became tone again, and gained a few healthy pounds. I went from running hard at work all day, getting 5-6 hours of sleep per night, getting up the next day and doing it all over again, to slowing down and getting more sleep. From trying to impress everyone at work to trying to perform only what God puts in front of me that day. From having moments when I slip into despair, to handling stress and anxiety with much more success. I’ve learned to listen to my body, exercising when I feel it will benefit me, not to impress someone else. I learned how to pray with intention, instead of reciting rote prayers to check a box and feel like I’ve done my homework. I’ve learned that spending time with someone is not only for me, but for them, so listen and help, and stop trying to be the center of attention. I’ve learned that I don’t have to fill every minute with someone or something - that being alone is an opportunity to relax, pray, and possibly to heal. I’ve learned that being in my comfort zone is selfish, so try to break out, reach out, help others, be uncomfortable. These are the pillars that Jackie and Traci teach in Reform, all of which are based on humility, a virtue which destroys pride, and restores you to your true self - the self that God intended you to be. I haven’t mastered any of them, and have only begun to scratch the surface on some of them -- I am a massive work in progress (just ask Traci). But what I have learned is that I am not the man, I don’t have it all figured out, I do need help. Reform has taken over my life and taught me the most important lesson of all…how to get lower.

And for that I will be eternally grateful. Thank you, Jackie. Thank you, Traci. Thank you, Reform Wellness! Say yes; get lower.

—Tim Hartigan 

Babylon, NY